Friday, September 30, 2005

NonEducation-ed Secretary: "You're Out of Order"

This sweet USAtoday article has the following on former Education Secretary William Bennett:

"But I do know that it's true that if you wanted to reduce crime, you could, if that were your sole purpose, you could abort every black baby in this country, and your crime rate would go down," said Bennett, author of The Book of Virtues.

He later said that he should receive an apology over the controversy because his comments had been mischaracterized. His defense was that he said using abortion to reduce crime is "morally reprehensible."

Just so that we are all clear, the controversy isn't about abortion, it's about stating that blacks are the major cause of crime without any reference to the important socio-economic issues and institutionalized racism that are involved. I can understand why he would miss the point though. It's hard for him to see anything when he's got his head lodged, neck deep, in his urethra. Bennett is the clear winner of "Dickhead of the Week".

Thursday, September 29, 2005

The Sweetest Problems on Earth

Too many people have problems that aren't really problems. Life is so good for most Americans that we have to invent problems. The following are problems that someone in the former Congo would probably give what's left of their genitalia for:

4. "Guys/Girls just keep hitting on me. I'm just too good looking, I wish it would stop."
3. "My penis is so big that it messes up my balance and I keep tripping"
2. "I have such huge muscles from doing 'roids that I rip the sleeves of my shirt everytime I open a door."
1. "I lived to be over 60 years old and now I have cancer/heart disease/etc."

Now you're probably saying, "Hey, diseases are real problems!" Look, if you live for a long time, diseases aren't problems, they are just the price of getting old. A kid that dies from a bad case of diarrhea in the third world would pleasure 60 year-olds with heart disease for the chance to become a 60 year-old with heart disease getting pleasured by a young boy. We just need some perspective on things.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Is This Ironical?

I will now recount a true event from my day on Monday and I will ask you to determine if it is ironical or not. (Ironical is actually a word if you were wondering.)

Today, while driving to the transportation department
to purchase a bus pass, I got in a car accident.

Update: The accident was with another sedan.

Is this situation:

a) Ironical
b) Coincidental
c) A tragic outcome with absolutely no connection to the purpose of the outing.

Leave your answer as a comment and maybe we can all learn something.

Monday, September 26, 2005

Government Waste Has Ended: Bring on Porn

This great article from Ars Technica talks about the new FBI "anti-obscenity squad, which will consist of eight agents, a supervisor, and assorted staff, will be responsible for accumulating evidence to use against those that produce and distribute criminally obscene content." These guys get paid to cruise for some of the best adult entertainmnet available and the best part is that "House Majority leader Tom DeLay declared victory in the war against wasteful government spending," the day after this initiative was announced. If paying guys in suits to find whack-worthy material isn't a waste then I don't know what is.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Marketing: How to Advertise How Bad your Company Is

I just got an email about additional services for Chase credit cards. I'm no english major, but in about 15 seconds I found two horrible typos:

"- ID Theft Insurance: Coverage for up to $25,0003 in qualifying
expenses related to identity theft, including lost wages and
legal fees."

This typo can cause an order of magnitude of confusion. Do they cover a piss-poor $25,000.00 or do they cover $250,000.00, which is worth more than the average person's life.

"The only thing worse than having your identity stolen is
the hassle of getting back."

Does Chase imply that I should steal the identity of the person who stole my identity to get back at them? Hmm...I'm not sure if a corporation should be encouraging crime to prevent crime, but I guess it works for the RIAA.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

PapaStopper to Save Men Millions

Guys, how many times has this happened to you? So you've been working pretty hard and saved up a lot of money. You decide to slum it and bump humps with a skank and you knock her up. That means 18 years of child support. God damned poontang has ruined you life. There must be something to guard against the power of the poon-achio. Well I have the solution. It's the new BangBuster Condom Reminder. The BangBuster is a space-aged polymer gel that gets applied to penis or bang stick before going on date with whacked out ho or Courtney Love. If the gel comes in contact with vaginal secretions or pussy pus then the male unit or dong will experience a horrible burning sensation that will make coitus or tool tarnishing unbearable. If a condom or sausage wrapper is used, then the lubricant will inactivate the gel and allow for a nut-tastic round of roggering. With BangBuster you will never be tempted to ruin your life when you hear, "Just put it in for a minute, I promise I'm on the pill." You really want to believe her when you're harder than a diamond tipped saw blade, but you know she's a liar. So how many 4 oz. tubes do you need? Women with wandering men might want protect their assets as well by coating their husbands underwear.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Just Kens: An Alternative Toy Store

That is the name of the alternative toy shop I'm going to open up for homosexual children. Instead of gay boys being force to play with Barbie dolls and maybe a Ken doll, "Just Kens" will offer a complete lineup of Ken dolls complete with different wardrobes. Of course Ken will be available dressed as every member of the Village People, but don't forget about Ball-gag or Power Bottom Ken. The first store will open in San Fransisco and every morning the sidewalk out front will be power washed to clean up all the blood. I'm sure that there will be plenty of violence between people who either love or hate the new store. I can't imagine too many people being indifferent about a store selling gay friendly children's toys. The new store would definitely be flaming.

Friday, September 16, 2005

In Other Local National News...

I saw this USA Today article about the decision handed down by a federal judge delcaring "the reciting of the Pledge of Allegiance in public schools unconstitutional." The case was brought by Mike Newdow, a Sacramento man, who has had a similar case before Supreme Court a couple years ago. What amazes me is that the "under God" part of the Pledge being debated wasn't even part of the original Pledge of Allegiance. It was added by congress in 1954 during that wacky McCarthy era where America was infested by Godless commys. McCarthy was an ass hole so why are we keeping something from his era around? I don't remember Berlin keeping that wall up after the Cold War ended. I know the two may seem different, but a wall and words are very similar because they are both used to control people. We need less control and more freedom in all forms.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Letter to the Red States: Woo Who! Go My Geographical Region!

I found this entertaining letter to the Red States from New California on Weird Cake: Treats from a Bipolar Mind and since I'm from California I found it quite entertaining. I don't know if the facts used in the letter are true, but I've learned that it doesn't matter as long as the "facts" fit in with my previous unreasoned rigid beliefs. If anyone has some better information then please, by all means, pass it along. Enjoy the letter.

Dear Red States,

We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly:

-- You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
-- We get stem cell research and the best beaches.
-- We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.
-- We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.
-- We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
-- We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
-- We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.
-- We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the Red States pay their fair share.
-- Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that New California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners), 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high-tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Princeton, Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Berkeley, CalTech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red States believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11, and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties. By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

So there.

Sincerely,
Author Unknown in New California

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Blogging Sux with a Capitol Z

I wrote a pretty sweet post today about lasers, but you won't get to read it. The Blogger new post wizard ate my text and not even ctrl-z could save me. It's one of those fun technological mishaps that just makes you want to yell out a nice loud, "Nut Pokers!"

Maybe I'll rewrite the laser post another day, but I'm so angry that, like a drunken step-father, I'm taking my anger out on those that don't deserve it, my sweet little reader children. You're my little angels. You know daddy doesn't mean it right? I just get so angry. I mean I can't even use spell check when posting with Mozilla. I promise I'll make it up to you. Tell me about that item you've always wanted....

Working Moms: Shut Up!

I'm getting tired of hearing about the courageous struggles of single working Moms. Just because you ruined your life by spreading you legs like butter on toast, it doesn't make you a hero or something special. It just makes you normal. The real heros are the women that force a man to marry them, abstain from becoming a sperm recepticle, or get an abortion behind a Rite Aid. Anyone who keeps little bastards from growing up and robbing me is a hero in my book. Being a single working mom and bragging about it is just a bunch of pretentious bullshit.

Now I want to address the assholes who are saying, "I had a single mom and I turned out okay". Well 'F' you, you should know better. You are the exception and you should be doing all you can to make sure no kid has to go through the same crap you went through. It's like Chris Rock said, you can raise a kid without a Dad and you can also drive a car with you feet, but it doesn't mean it's a good idea.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

9/11 Never Forget

Never Forget that 9/11 marks the return for great Sunday night television as Fox kicks off all new seasons of "Malcom in the Middle", "King of the Hill", "The Simpsons", "American Dad", and even "Family Guy". This is a good time to reflect on on how we were lulled by reruns into forgetting to watch TV and how we need to be ever vigilant to prepare for a new season of quality programming. If we let our guard down for even a week then the terrorists win.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Assholes Disagree on Cause of Hurricane

Liberals blame the recent tragedy of hurricane Katrina on global warming, while the conservatives claim their God punished New Orleans for its sinful behavior. Although these two sides disagree, rational people can agree that both sides are assholes. So what would the rational person bleieve to be the cause of such a devastating hurricane? A quote from this article can help:

If you look at the Atlantic, it's perfectly fair to say that both the increase in ocean temperature in the last couple of decades and the upswing in hurricane activity is mostly natural. If there's a global warming signal in that, it's very hard to see. And that natural cycle, we don't fully understand it, by the way, I don't think anyone pretends that we do, but there have been in history, you know, periods of 20 or 30 years of inactivity followed by 20 or 30 years of activity. It's nothing new, in fact. Before the 1990s, a lot of hurricane specialists had forecasts that we were going to go back to an active period in the Atlantic, and again, this has nothing to do with global warming.

Friday, September 09, 2005

What's the Deal With Moving?

I mean really? You want all of your belongings to be at your new residence instead of your old one, and what's the best they can offer you? A large truck and a big guy to trog your possessions into and out of the truck. Who are the ad wizards that came up with this one? (End Seinfeld like rant)

I just got done moving for the fifth time in my life and I am still amazed that the best way to move is by renting some broken down truck. Where the hell is the goods transporter and crystal Pepsi dammit? We can come up with lava lamp but we can't figure out a way to move a desk without breaking someone's back? Screw That!

Friday, September 02, 2005

Apple Reveals iPod Successor

CUPERTINO, California—September 2, 2005—Apple® today announced that the much anticipated successor to the iPod will be available in quantity for the holiday season. That latest gadget, with yet to be released features, will have the moniker iShit™.

"The new iShit™ will surpass the iPod line in both features and sales," said Phil Schillen, Apple 's senior vice president of Worldwide Product Marketing. "With the user experience our new product will provide, an iShit™ in hand is going to be a must for the new year."

While Apple®, in its usual secretive manner, is reluctant to reveal too many details before the actual product launch, they revealed the name to give people a taste of iShit™.

With a new product launch also comes a fresh new advertising campaign to rival the successful iPod commercials featuring unknown bands like U2© . While keeping details of the television spots under wraps, an Apple® Official® ™has stated that the print campaign will feature the slogan, "iShit™: In your pants".


This is a joke. Not a real press release.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Stereotypes are Generally True

I always love good arguments based on stereotypes because you can usually tell who took a course on logic and paid attention. We are usually taught that stereotypes are wrong and that anyone who uses them is an ignorant prick. The problem is that most stereotypes are based on a lot of truth. Most guys with mullets are dipshits and generally women care way too much about their appearance. Now the uneducated reader with either a mullet or a vagina will now say: "While I'm not a dipshit or vain!" They very well might be right, but my statement was still true because it allowed for these exceptional people. The words "most" and "generally" translate to "not everyone". So the next time you want to write a reply or call a talk show, I beg you, I implore you, please pay attention to all the words in a sentence and understand how they affect the meaning. You may just stop yourself from advertising how you rode the little bus as a kid.