Kevin Smith's "Mallrats" 10th Aniversary DVD

Kevin Smith's "Mallrats" is being released on a special 10th Aniversary Extended Edition DVD according to this post. A review of the DVD reveals that there is a completely reedited version of the movie that is almost completely different. I can't wait to check this out while eating some chocolate covered pretzels.

Thought Now Ruled Obscene

Declan McCullagh form News.com has a great piece on the government's continued actions against anything considered indecent, obscene, pornographic, or fun. At the rate things are going a poo joke is going to cost the average American $150, while a penis joke, much like healthcare, will be out of reach for all, but the wealthiest Americans. Here's a list of people and works that have been declared obscene in the past:

Jack Kerouac and William S. Burroughs, Henry Miller's "Tropic of Cancer," the classic tale of "Fanny Hill," James Joyce's "Ulysses," and, in the last decade, comic book artist Mike Diana.

George Carlin the Next Prophet

It was predicted and now it has begun as told in this
MSNBC.com article. The George Carlin predicted that the guns would be brought to church and that they shalt be called "Disgruntled Worshipers". All shall bow to the great powers of the Carlin and consult his Works.

Flat Earth Society: Dinosaur's Made Great Pets

The LA Times has a great story about how creationists are using dinosaurs to get kids to learn the "truth" about evolution.

"If [evolutionists] convince people that dinosaurs are exotic, strange creatures, they've won right there, and the Bible looks like a book of Jewish fairy tales," said Sean Meek, executive director of the Tennessee group Project Creation.

What is wrong with fairy tales? Children can learn just as much, if not more, morality from fairy tales like Snow White and Cinderella. I haven't seen a push for the hearts and minds of kids this big since salad days of big Tobacco. Some other choice quotes that I wouldn't even dream of making up:

Darwin "came at just the right time to be the catalyst for a revival of ancient paganism" and that evolution birthed Communism, racism and Nazism.

"There's something in their DNA that knows man walked with these creatures on Earth."

The year is 2005 in case the above quotes made you forget.

Gone Phishing? Don't Be a Chub

I've recently started getting some phishing emails that have appeared to be from Paypal. I've decided to do a public service and tell you how to spot these phonies better than Holden Caufield from "Catcher in the Rye". It's a little tricky because any douche bag can make an email look like it came from anyone. Just change your reply-to address, copy the graphics and formatting, add some magic, and you too could be a gnat nut licker. What you have to look for is the language used and the behavior of the links. Here's what they wrote me:

We recently noticed one or more attempts to log in to your PayPal account from a foreign IP address. If you recently accessed your account while traveling in Rusia, the unusual log in attempts may have been initiated by you.

Then they provided me with a convenient link so that I could log on to "paypal" and check my account. You should never follow links in an email when it involves your money unless you're Bill Gates and crap quarters. I went to paypal.com and there was no mention about the security breach. I then did a mouse over on the link and it revealed the true destination to be janka.com. If you follow the link they have replicated the official site perfectly. Don't be a chub and get hooked by these phishing ass holes. Be careful and report these bitches because it's fun to take trouser snakes down a notch.

Radio to Broadcast Digital Crap

This USA Today article gives a pretty lengthy discussion about radio going digital in the same way TV broadcasts are starting to go digital. "Digital radio can revitalize AM stations by making them sound like analog FM," the article says. It really makes you want to stand in line to fork over a few hundred dollars to get this great experience. Digital radio shouldn't be confused with satalite radio which provides hundreds of uncensored and mostly commercial free channels for a monthly fee. Digital radio will merely allow more of the same government regulated corporate experience we are already used to, but with higher fidelity. I can't wait to hear "Seacrest Out" twelve times a day.

The Genius of Gwen Stefani

I just got Gwen Stefani's CD and I must say that it is pure genius. The beats and melodies are novel and fun, while the lyrics are nothing short of inspirational. "What You Waiting For?" tells us

Take a chance you stupid ho

In "Holla Back Girl" we learn

This shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S

Plus we get to learn what Gwen would say to me if we ever went out on a date in "Bubble Pop Electric"

Tonight I'm gonna give you all my love in the back seat

Now you're probably thinking that this music is sophomoric at best. You would be absolutely correct and that is why Gwen is a genius. She has been in the music industry for over ten years and some of those years have been spent with Bush front man Gavin Rossdale. Gwen could very easily put out "good" music on par with Elvis Costello or Alanis Morissette, but she chooses not to. She has chosen to put out music that appeals to the masses with disposable income. Those masses are 15 year old girls and I say Gwen Stefani is a genius for knowing that.

Digital Stalking on "Date Me, Natalie!"

Andy Goldfarb has a webpage where he makes his case to get a date with Natalie Portman. Although he does his best to come off as level headed and sincere, it still appears to be 100% stalking. This isn't your father's stalking where you could end up in jail, but stalking to the extreme in the digital age. This guy doesn't even have to leave the house and he can get the latest details about his Natalie in his Inbox, but I'm guessing he'll never get into her box. The whole page is a testament to how many bad movies Adam Sandler has made where he stumbles around the screen like a dufus for 90 minutes with low expectations for love that eventually turn into a lasting romance with a hotie. Adam Sandler needs to stop acting so that poor guys like Andy can start to deal with sad, hopelesss, lonely reality like the rest of us.

Deputy U.S. Marshal Shaq

This is a little old, but I just found a press release about Shaq being made an honarary Deputy U.S. Marshal to help protect kids online from predators. As interesting as that fact is on its own, the release goes on to state that according to the FBI, there is a "100 percent chance" of a child or teen meeting a predator in a chat room. "100 percent chance"? Seriously? Haven't we been taught that in life there are no absolutes. If they had said 99 percent or qualified the statement by saying that 100 percent of kids that aren't taught about the dangers, then I would have accepted the statistic without question. We need to be given some real facts about what's going on so that we can find some real solutions. I've had enough with the solutions for fake problems.

The Death of Radio

I occasionally like to listen to talk radio when I drive so that I don't have to think. Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, and Al Franken can all do the thinking for me. When I went to take a mental vacation at 48 minutes past the hour today, I was greeted, not by the talking points of the day, but instead by commercials. I went through all five of my presets and every station was airing commercials. What are the chances of this? They're pretty good. In fact this happens pretty much everyday. What do you expect when companies like Clear Channel and Infinity own a majority of the stations. It makes sense that they would collude and have commercials at the same time. Couple this with horrible content (Jack FM, Ryan Seacrest, etc.) and you have a recipe for the death of radio baked up by the owners of radio themselves. When Howard Stern finally moves to Sirius satellite radio I will be there with him. Quality content at a cost is much more valuable than free crap.

How to be an Idiot with Email

Mass mailings to everyone in an address book is something that really pisses me off. The average hotmail user has no idea what the hell they are doing. If you are sending an email to five budies or updating co-workers on the status of a project then go right ahead and use the "To:" or "Cc:" fields. Everyone probably knows everyone anyway and Reply All is welcomed. Now when it comes to sending a lame reminder about your Birthday to everyone in your address book, it's time to use the "Bcc:" or blind carbon copy field. Chances are, most of the people in your address book don't know each other and they want to keep it that way. "Bcc" keeps these people from being able to contact each other and annoying everyone with Reply to All. If you forget to do this then everyone is going to end up with Penis and Vagina ads in their mail box and they're going to deserve it becuase they have a fucking idiot for a friend. A happy birthday indeed!

Chappelle's Show Season 3 on DVD

According to this article Dave Chappelle's Show Season 3 won't be seen on comedy central. According to Charlie Murphy the eight episodes that have already been recorded will be on DVD eventually. Dave probably wanted to keep doing the same show he had done for the first two seasons, but Comedy Central, fearing possible congressional regulation of cable, started to give Dave some heat about his edgy show. I blame Janet Jackson's nasty nipple for this loss of great entertainment. Chappelle has done well with his show and he has ever right to tell his white Idaho neighbors, "I'm rich be-yatch!"

Kabbalah Energy Drink

Now you can get down on your knees and get all the wisdom of the ancient mystics right in your mouth with the new Kabbalah Energy Drink. I tried it and for less than a dollar the light refreshing flavor does give you a decent boost. If you like cheap energy drinks, like I do, then you might want to give it a try. Just be careful not to get any in your eye.

Not Enough Operating Systems?

If you think there aren't enough Operating Systems to choose from to run your text editor, then you're in luck. Now in addition to Windows (98, ME, 2000, XP Home, and XP Pro), Mac OS X, Unix, AIX, Solaris, HP-UX, and the small number of Linux distributions, there is the brand new Zeta OS 1.0 put out by yellowTAB. Finally the discerning consumer has some selection, but if you're lazy like me than you'll probably want to continue shopping at the Food4Less of software vendors that is Microsoft.

Medicine is Guesswork in a White Coat

I recently had Arthroscopic Knee Surgery because walking was becoming as fun as shaving Ron Jeremy and I thought 24 years old was little young to have less mobility than Stephen Hawking. So they cut open my knee, poked around for a bit, and 6 weeks later I can out walk Kristie Alley heading for a buffet. When it comes to surgery, doctors truly are miracle workers and can do a lot of good. I've had two other surgeries that turned out great. The problem with medicine is when it comes to disease. George Carlin was spot on when he said that medicine is a bunch of guess work in a white coat. I had sever mono back when I first started college and I didn't get properly diagnosed until I had the neck of Star Jones and my skin was as yellow as a school bus. The "doctor" said to me, "But the book says it should be strep throat." I'm wondering how many others have has similar problems when it comes to a health issue that can't be solved with a knife.

President See n' Say

The President is quickly deteriorating into the old See 'n Say that many of us played with as babies. It was a great toy and taught us needed facts. Like when we selected the picture of the cow and pulled the string we learned, "The cow says 'Mooooarg'" At most press conferences Bush operates in a similar manner. Select "Soldier Died in Iraq", pull the string, and get the programmed response: "Pulling our troops out would send a terrible signal to the enemy." All the favorites are there, from gay marriage to abortion. Too bad the damned "Domestic Infrastructure" topic doesn't work. It's okay though because we all have private jets the run off of the money we have to burn, right?

Squirrels are Cute, but this is Excessive

I've hinted that I'm a big fan of squirrels previously, but this squirrel, Sugar Bush, that gets dressed in more outfits than Barbie, is too much. Squirrels are probably the cutest woodland creatures in existence right next to bunny rabbits and ducks, but dressing them up is just too cute. It's so cute it's excessive and should probably be criminal. This would be like Jessica Simpson coming out with a sex tape. We already know she's a stupid whore, and a sex tape would only over-emphasize that obvious fact. It's obvious that squirrels are cute and dressing them up in cute outfits is over the top.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory has Big Nut Action

I finally saw Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and I didn't expect much going in. When you remake a classic all you can do is mess it up, but with Johnny Depp I figured it couldn't suck too much. The beginning of the movie was pretty weak, but this was the case with the original. My biggest complaint is the horrible special effects. The opening sequence has the worst CGI chocolate making ever put on film. I've seen chocolate being made and that wasn't it. I think Tim Burton has trouble with anything more technical than claymation. I could never even figure out what the scale on the friggin' oompa loompa was. Were they half size, quarter size? I still don't know.

Aside from the technical problems, the movie was really entertaining. Enough changes were made to the story to make it more interesting than the original. My favorite change was the use of squirrels for sorting and finding bad nuts, like Veruca Salt, and promptly disposing of them where they belong. This scene ruled and after that the movie was just fun. What's better than Johnny Depp saying "Sorry, I was having a flash back", right after he had a flashback? Except of course Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

India - Just the Facts

I know a couple of people going to India this summer to visit family and I thought I would look up some information on the birthplace of many great engineers.

India is about one-third the size of the United States and has a climate ranging from tropical monsoon in the south to temperate in the north. The fourth-largest coal reserves and iron ore can also be found there. India's population is estimated to be over 1 billiion with a median age of about 25. There are also 1.07 men to every woman so it is definitiely a lady's market. India is also about having a good time since it is the world's largest producer of legal opium for the pharmaceutical trade.

For more details and other facts, check out CIA - The World Factbook -- India

The Aristocrats - South Park

If you want to know more about The Aristocrats than this clip should help you out:

The Aristocrats - South Park.

Facial Hair Fun

I had some fun while shaving my summer scruff and made this animated GIF. I still have to take a picture of myself completely shaved. If anyone knows of any good (free) GIF animation software then let me know.

Harry Hater No More. I've Seen the Light!!!

I just finished finished the second Harry Potter book and I hate to admit it, oh how it hurts to say this, but I liked it. I'm a fan. These books are really well written. What helps me enjoy the story a little more is this theory I have.

I think that Harry Potter represents Jesus at about the same age. I've seen Dogma so I'm clearly a theology expert. Now when Jesus was around 11 he probably started to learn about who he was and where he came from, just like Harry. Jesus probably wasn't too cool with being the son of God at first, just like Harry wasn't too cool with being famous for his parents. Plus they both do magic. The theory needs a little work, but it helps me feel more in touch with our judeo christian culture. Let me know what you think.

Is This Serious?

Either way this girl's blog is one of the most entertaining things I've ever read.

Best Institute Ever

Of all the institutes out there I think this one is now my favorite: The Happiness Institute. Some simple and insightful tips on being happy without the help of a bogeyman, space alien, or pharmacist.

As Good as It Gets

I thought I could do the impossible. How arrogant could I be to think that the result I wanted was even imaginable. I actually thought I could help mediate a dispute between three women by using logic and facts. I think I would have had an easier time getting all three of them to join a foursome. Jack Nicholson's character in As Good as It Gets , was generally dead on when he said that women are just like men, but without reason and accountability. When I look back on what happened, I see no reason and no accountability. I just see a lot of pointless bitching and one foolish arrogant prick that thought it would be different. Well, I guess it's just like Norm says, "Women: Can't live with 'em, pass the beer nuts."