Sunday, January 29, 2006

I've Got Bros in Different Country Codes

We all know that it's not cheating if you're dipping your meat plunger into another muff tuft as long as you're in another area code. A lesser known, but related rule, concerns country codes. If you tongue kiss and take a tea bag from a man while in another country, you're technically still straight in your home port. Bon Voyage!

Sunday, January 22, 2006

'F' Bike Holes

You've seen these jag heads with their oversized kids toys. They pedal along with traffic pretending to be like the rest of the big boys on the road, but what they don't realize is that they are about 100 Cliff Bars short of being able to go fast enough and a couple of digits shy of the required IQ to get the hell off the road. Thanks for saving the planet you marble bagged wonders, but 'F' you Bike Holes.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

'F' Small Town Drivers

I live in a pretty small town. Technically it's a city, but if you don't have a place for poor people to shop (Food4Less or WalMart) then you're just a town. I've learned that when driving around this crap-berg, the only thing that matters is distance. No "faster, but longer" route exists as it does in a real city. Oh there are parts where you might think you could go faster, but that's when you get behind a local toad-cock that has nothing better to do than go 10 miles below the speed limit before taking the widest god damned right-turn possible, without leaving city limits. And don't think that just because you are on one of the 3 two-laned mega-highways in town that you'll be able to escape. That's when you'll get behind two like-minded douche-enthusiasts that will race to see who can come to a stop the slowest at a green light. So when you are selecting the exit to take in analville U.S.A. just go for the shortest distance because either way it will take you 45 minutes to go that last mile. 'F' you Small Town Driver! It's the one on the Left! Now Go!

Sunday, January 08, 2006

'F' Holiday Parking Enforcement

While traveling for the Holidays, I decided to visit my old school where I spent my time as an undergrad. I wandered around and checked out all the new construction. I like watching other people work so I took my time. When I finally returned to my car, I saw a yellow envelope and a red piece of paper under my windshield wiper blade. Apparently I hadn't given enough to the Alumni Foundation that year so they decided to take a little extra by giving me a parking ticket. I was honestly one of two cars in the parking lot. The campus was completely empty. Why can't they let these golf-cart jockeys they have for meter-maids get some time off and let me have some free parking. Instead I was reminded about why I was so glad to get out of there in the first place. 'F' Holiday Parking Enforcement!

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

"'F' This" Series: 'F' Merry Christmas

The Holidays are finally over, so that means a lot of built up psychotic rage at the mundane parts of life that make me want to start punching throats. So enjoy my anger or go 'F' yourself. And for the record, they were the "Holidays". Last time I checked the Calendar, Christmas and New Year's are both Holidays and they are within a week of each other. Now I could refer to them both by name, but I've got shit to do. Is it so wrong to cut the Jews some slack during the time of year when the Christians have such a sweeter holiday? You just can't compare oil lasting a long time to the bloody crucifixion of the the son of God and his resurrection as Santa Claus. That's sweet!

So here's to Happy Holidays and 'F' those not-so-Merry Christians.